O Narcissist, Where Art Thou?

Setting the Record Straight

The public discourse on narcissism is fraught with misinformation and furthers the stigma of personality disorders. I blame my industry, mental health, for this annoying trend. I see so many pop-psychologists, therapists, coaches cosplaying as therapists, healers (beware of them), and people who have no psychological backgrounds at all creating content about narcissists. The word is completely drained of all meaning and is misapplied. Apparently, if you don’t like how someone is behaving or acting, they are a narcissist.

Is the person self-centered?

Is the person full of themselves?

What about the deflated narcissist?

Is a narcissist lacking basic empathy?

Are we referring to Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Are people merely hopping on the bandwagon to get likes on a topic they know nothing about?

What the hell are we even talking about?

I even saw someone on social media, with a million or so followers, create a post titled something along the lines of “10 ways to spot if you are in a relationship with a narcissist,” like it’s a game of “Where’s Waldo?”. Fuck this is absurd and dumb. I am all for self-knowledge and education, but people have lost their way.

I am sick of this sort of shame-based content and the genuine lack of information about narcissistic injuries and what is known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I think of NPD as a characterological issue because it has no biological basis like depression or bipolar disorder.

Here are the criteria from the DSM-5 about NPD, which is severely lacking and inhumane, but just so you, dear reader, can be more informed. Additionally, it states that 50-75% of the people diagnosed are male. Without further ado:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).

2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

4. Requires excessive admiration.

5. Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).

6. Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).

7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

This is quite a lot to take in and hold.

The following conclusions and information are based on my experience working with a variety of individuals. My goal is to bring some humanity to this topic. Also, as a reference, I will be using Narcissism as shorthand for referring to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Please keep in mind that NPD is a spectrum, and some people do not meet the full criteria but are still suffering in their relationships and other areas of life.

In my opinion, and I hope many others believe this too, the criteria above are only half the story. The DSM may list symptoms, but there is no context whatsoever.

A human being suffering from NARCISSISTIC WOUND IS NOT BORN THIS WAY.

A PERSON WITH NPD IS MADE TO BE THE WAY THEY ARE.

I know it is a stereotypical therapy trope to bring things back to a person’s family of origin, but…let’s face it, this is where most pathology comes from in mental health.

A narcissist is made by their family of origin. I am not advocating that people who are suffering from this disorder should not be held accountable for how they are now, but come on, people, learn the facts about how NPD begins.

Let’s start at the beginning. A narcissistic wound occurs when a person suffers some form of abuse or attachment wound in childhood and grows up in an invalidating environment. What is an invalidating environment, you might ask? An example is if you feel sad about something, and your parents might tell you to “knock it off, grow up, etc”. Or a family environment where emotions are not discussed is also considered invalidating because there is no one to validate your reality as a child. When a child is raised in such an environment, a creative adjustment occurs that has negative consequences in the future.

NPD is the creation of a false self. We could also say a false image, if you are into the myth of Narcissus.

The false self emerges due to a split in one’s inner world during the developmental cycle. Why would someone create a false self? Well, imagine that in your family, there is not a lot of care and communication, and when you do try to reach out for love and support, you are shut down. You are made to feel as if you don’t matter. Or you are punished for feeling a certain way. All of these examples are relational issues. As human beings, we develop and learn in relationship with other people. While growing up, our first relationships are with our family members. If a child’s needs are not met, they will find a way to meet them.

Children are emotionally intuitive and adaptable. A child who is constantly invalidated will develop a creative adaptation to find a way to obtain love and attention, even if it comes with negative consequences. This is not their fault if, somewhere down the line, this change turns into a problematic disorder that impacts all of their relationships. They are doing the best they can in a challenging situation.

I am so sick of the lack of empathy and compassion towards people struggling with NPD because they are already full of more shame than you could imagine. Someone with NPD is not full of themselves; actually, it is quite the opposite. To me, the core value of narcissism is a lack of self-love. Consider the shame and fear it takes to go against your true nature and create a false façade for the world. This is not an act of love but a hope for the preservation of self.

The sad part is that most people with a narcissistic character issue are so lost in their creation that they have no idea any of this has happened. A child does not consciously think, “Oh, I need to alter my personality to gain acceptance and love so that I can better maneuver through my world.” All of the transformation happens due to painful emotions and is instinctual. This is why when adults have a character issue, it is so hard to heal because we are treating a very old and deep hurt.

I hope that there can be more compassion for people struggling with character issues. Trust me, I know how hard it is to be in a relationship with them as a psychotherapist. However, through a relationship is the only way they will grow and improve. I am not going into detail on how to do therapy or solve the issue because that’s not the point here. The point is to raise awareness on the origins of character issues and aims to curb the stigma that these people are permanently broken. I also want people to stop throwing around this term for any person who is selfish or self-centered.

Ok, that’s all for now.

Thank you for reading.

T.S.